I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
