I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
