Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
