No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
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