My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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