So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
