the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
