Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize