He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
