I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
