no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
