i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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