I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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