I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
