he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
