Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
