I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
