Banned from zoo.
Again?
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
We need to get me chipped asap
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
