I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
