I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
