I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
