wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
fuck your aforementioned shoe
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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