remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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