Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I would ride that face into the sunset
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
