i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
