Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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