I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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