Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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