I met the friendliest cop last night
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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