i permit you to call me
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
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