Cold hands, warm shart.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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