I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
we're so committed to being not committed
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
