you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
