I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
