somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
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