he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
