watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
