between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
