I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
