Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
