I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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