i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You can't special order awesome
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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