I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
