can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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