Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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