I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize