this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
