I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
