We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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