I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
