I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
