Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
