My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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