I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize