how can u be prego again
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
