I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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