we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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